The woman's acquiescence (to whom? The other or myself?)
Cw: strong heteronormative presuppositions, implicit and hardly recognisable oppressive attitudes towards women in human relationships, anxiety and acquiescence.
There is this person X.
X was very nice to me. He asked me how my day had been when no one else seemed to recognise me. He actually learned how to pronounce my name when I felt that everyone else ignored my existence. I felt very alone at that time.
I was happy to find a friend in a foreign environment like that. While I felt like a foreigner among foreigners, and I was tired of learning so much new in a foreign language and in a foreign place, there was someone who, for some reason, seemed to like to talk to me.
I didn't waste too much time thinking about the reasons he was interested in what I had to say. He invited me to some really nice places and activities with a small group of people, and we shared some nice and even beautiful moments with those people in those places.
At one point I saw a certain look in his eyes and I recognised a certain change in his manners around me. I wasn't sure, but I thought I should get ready to tell him I didn't want anything else than friendship. The moments with this look in his eyes were, nevertheless, ones of the nicest moments I had there.
He asked me to go for a drink with him outside the hotel where we stayed with the other 40 participants. The atmosphere was demanding, and again, I was happy to be invited to go out with this already a good friend of mine. However, I felt something was wrong, especially when he started flattering and fawning on me. It felt like a date, and I tried my best to make it not to be a date. I was wearing my engagement ring.
When walking back to the hotel, he suddenly took my hand, pulled me back, and kissed me long and tight. I didn't know what to do. I was little drunk so I could bear the situation. I quickly told him I had to go to sleep.
Until that moment I hadn't been very exited about having a roommate (even though my roommate was the friendliest and nicest person ever). After that moment I was happy that the fact of sharing our rooms with others excluded the possibility of him offering us to sleep in either my or his room.
I tried to avoid him the next day. In a close and closed social situation like the one we were in, avoiding someone is a very difficult task, after all. Especially, when having a collective party that night and really wanting to participate.
After having some wine he started acting very childish around me, making me very uncomfortable. Since there were others around, I didn't know how to tell him to stop. In the end of the night, he wanted to have this stereotypical talk with him about why I didn't respond to him like I was supposed to.
I could have told him that I just didn't feel that way. Instead, I told him I was engaged and getting married (we are planning to do that with my partner in the end of the year 2020!). I didn't want to hurt him, since I saw he was hurt already. "I guess I'm not heartbroken", he told me. This told me he was but didn't want to admit it. And his pride was hurt, too. In the end, I still told him that if he now stopped being my friend, after already becoming good friends in a challenging environment, then I would really hate him (because someone has done that to me before, and it hurts). Although, I said, hurting one other would then be reciprocal. Luckily, he promised not to abandon me. I hugged him and said goodnight.
We kept having very nice deep discussions about important topics, such as death, love, the important relationships in our lives, our fears and hopes. He was still very nice to me, although he tried to convince me not to be so attached to my partner. I did tell X that I missed my partner and that I really wanted to get married with him. I couldn't live without him (of course, we are not necessarily attached to the idea of a lifelong monogamy, so not being able to live without him doesn't automatically mean we couldn't have other affairs, but I didn't tell that to X, I just told him that we hadn't quite discussed the topic yet, and that wasn't a lie since we haven't decided anything yet, and I personally have no hurry with it).
He even organised a possibility to go painting for us. I couldn't have done that myself because I was too tired already, so I was very happy to have him to organise our painting session. The sessions and discussions implied that we don't discuss my partner very much. And at some moments I didn't know how to tell him not to touch me in the slightly romantic way. It did feel uncomfortable, but again, I didn't want to loose the good friend I had got. And I kind of longed for a human touch in the situation where everyone was so distant to one another. This was my fault, I admit.
He told me he was looking for love. And that often, when he loved someone the person never loved him back. I don't think you should think of love primarily as romantic and reciprocal, but I know there are many who think of love in the narrow terms of romantic exclusive partnership. I told him that if he was consciously looking for love, then wasn't I the worst possible option for him? I was almost the only one at the event who lived in Northern Europe, and he lived in the southern U.S., also, I was happily engaged and getting married at some point.
He didn't know what to answer. My partner later thought - and these are now his words - there might have been behind his actions a stereotypical romantic (American) idea of having a European lover far away in an interesting land in the "old world." I don't know whether he's right, but there certainly was something naïve, romanticized, and calculative in X's actions.
Towards the end of our time at the long academic event, he started being jealous of me talking to other male participants or going out with other people. I felt I had to sneak out and come up with excuses to spend time with others every now and then. The look in his eyes told me he wasn't happy hearing about our night out with a small group without him.
I started feeling anxious. X acted like one of my ex-parthers when I hadn't pleased him. Also, I wondered why a good friend of X, with whom we had first hanged out, stopped spending time with us.
In the middle of the last week, another friend taught me the word 'acquiescence'. I had never heard the term before, and I should have listened more carefully. If there is a God or something like that, it was talking to me through my friend.
In the end of the event, we decided with a smaller group of people to spend some time in Rome. X obviously didn't think so. He reserved a small room for us two with a small twin bed. I had thought we would maybe share a double room with our own spaces or a hostel room in a dorm. I hadn't been sure how to tell him that I'd like to have my own bed, because that would have been kind of awkward - my fault, again, - but he knew that we were not going to be a couple. Getting at the hotel, then, I felt very anxious and I didn't know what to do. I got out of the room. When he left me alone for a moment, I tried to call my partner and to one of my best friends to ask what to do. They didn't answer my calls. I missed my partner so bad.
Finally, we had the talk about me not responding to his feelings in the way he would have liked me to. He felt bad, but I couldn't help it anymore. I had bought a bus ticket for the same night in order to escape, and at that moment, he figured that out.
He was very upset. I left him to his (our?) hotel room, and took a moment for myself while walking towards a meeting point with others. I wanted to talk to them, since these were the last moments we would see each other for a long time.
X didn't hide his irritation when I was talking to another male person. I felt he now acted like my younger brother when he's not happy with something. I know good friends can be grumpy with each other, but I felt that our friendship was in a kind of crisis.
I did feel bad for him, but I also felt I couldn't take responsibility for his feelings towards me anymore.
Finally, the moment came when we were just two of us again, and we started walking towards the hotel. I tried to talk to him. He was pissed off with me, and he didn't hide his feelings. He was blaming me, but I had told him that what had happened was his fault in the sense that I had made no moves whatsoever. He was very surprised when I said that. However, now he was upset, because I didn't offer him the romantic movie-like last day in Rome.
He also told me his friend had stayed in the hotel in the small town so that X could spend some time with me. The same had happened already before. That is, the friend didn't stop hanging out with us because he would have found other people to spend time with but because they had made a plan together with X. This was also part of the reasons for why X was so upset; he had made this plan to leave his friend behind so that he could have a night with me, and now he had an empty hotel room and his friend wasn't there. He was alone in Rome, and that didn't suit his plans.
I didn't say a bad word to X. I just took my stuff, hugged him, and left. The faraway bus station was a scary place at 1 a.m., but that was better than sleeping with him in a shared bed.
Later, a friend of my partner got really upset about my story. She told me that this wasn't about me personally but revealed a more general gendered pattern. According to her, women are often expected to make men who desire them feel better, and since this happens so often, women continue to act according to that pattern. I felt angry at myself for not being able to tell X that I wasn't responsible for his feelings and not to feel so bad when he was disappointed in not finding the love he had hoped for.
I have to learn to say 'no' more clearly and to claim my space. I have to learn not to acquiesce and just hope for the best. Like a member of our ensemble said, if a person really is nice, they will understand the 'no' and still be friendly. I just haven't met very many of them, I guess. But as my partner told me, I will stop blaming myself.
There is this person X.
X was very nice to me. He asked me how my day had been when no one else seemed to recognise me. He actually learned how to pronounce my name when I felt that everyone else ignored my existence. I felt very alone at that time.
I was happy to find a friend in a foreign environment like that. While I felt like a foreigner among foreigners, and I was tired of learning so much new in a foreign language and in a foreign place, there was someone who, for some reason, seemed to like to talk to me.
I didn't waste too much time thinking about the reasons he was interested in what I had to say. He invited me to some really nice places and activities with a small group of people, and we shared some nice and even beautiful moments with those people in those places.
At one point I saw a certain look in his eyes and I recognised a certain change in his manners around me. I wasn't sure, but I thought I should get ready to tell him I didn't want anything else than friendship. The moments with this look in his eyes were, nevertheless, ones of the nicest moments I had there.
He asked me to go for a drink with him outside the hotel where we stayed with the other 40 participants. The atmosphere was demanding, and again, I was happy to be invited to go out with this already a good friend of mine. However, I felt something was wrong, especially when he started flattering and fawning on me. It felt like a date, and I tried my best to make it not to be a date. I was wearing my engagement ring.
When walking back to the hotel, he suddenly took my hand, pulled me back, and kissed me long and tight. I didn't know what to do. I was little drunk so I could bear the situation. I quickly told him I had to go to sleep.
Until that moment I hadn't been very exited about having a roommate (even though my roommate was the friendliest and nicest person ever). After that moment I was happy that the fact of sharing our rooms with others excluded the possibility of him offering us to sleep in either my or his room.
I tried to avoid him the next day. In a close and closed social situation like the one we were in, avoiding someone is a very difficult task, after all. Especially, when having a collective party that night and really wanting to participate.
After having some wine he started acting very childish around me, making me very uncomfortable. Since there were others around, I didn't know how to tell him to stop. In the end of the night, he wanted to have this stereotypical talk with him about why I didn't respond to him like I was supposed to.
I could have told him that I just didn't feel that way. Instead, I told him I was engaged and getting married (we are planning to do that with my partner in the end of the year 2020!). I didn't want to hurt him, since I saw he was hurt already. "I guess I'm not heartbroken", he told me. This told me he was but didn't want to admit it. And his pride was hurt, too. In the end, I still told him that if he now stopped being my friend, after already becoming good friends in a challenging environment, then I would really hate him (because someone has done that to me before, and it hurts). Although, I said, hurting one other would then be reciprocal. Luckily, he promised not to abandon me. I hugged him and said goodnight.
We kept having very nice deep discussions about important topics, such as death, love, the important relationships in our lives, our fears and hopes. He was still very nice to me, although he tried to convince me not to be so attached to my partner. I did tell X that I missed my partner and that I really wanted to get married with him. I couldn't live without him (of course, we are not necessarily attached to the idea of a lifelong monogamy, so not being able to live without him doesn't automatically mean we couldn't have other affairs, but I didn't tell that to X, I just told him that we hadn't quite discussed the topic yet, and that wasn't a lie since we haven't decided anything yet, and I personally have no hurry with it).
He even organised a possibility to go painting for us. I couldn't have done that myself because I was too tired already, so I was very happy to have him to organise our painting session. The sessions and discussions implied that we don't discuss my partner very much. And at some moments I didn't know how to tell him not to touch me in the slightly romantic way. It did feel uncomfortable, but again, I didn't want to loose the good friend I had got. And I kind of longed for a human touch in the situation where everyone was so distant to one another. This was my fault, I admit.
He told me he was looking for love. And that often, when he loved someone the person never loved him back. I don't think you should think of love primarily as romantic and reciprocal, but I know there are many who think of love in the narrow terms of romantic exclusive partnership. I told him that if he was consciously looking for love, then wasn't I the worst possible option for him? I was almost the only one at the event who lived in Northern Europe, and he lived in the southern U.S., also, I was happily engaged and getting married at some point.
He didn't know what to answer. My partner later thought - and these are now his words - there might have been behind his actions a stereotypical romantic (American) idea of having a European lover far away in an interesting land in the "old world." I don't know whether he's right, but there certainly was something naïve, romanticized, and calculative in X's actions.
Towards the end of our time at the long academic event, he started being jealous of me talking to other male participants or going out with other people. I felt I had to sneak out and come up with excuses to spend time with others every now and then. The look in his eyes told me he wasn't happy hearing about our night out with a small group without him.
I started feeling anxious. X acted like one of my ex-parthers when I hadn't pleased him. Also, I wondered why a good friend of X, with whom we had first hanged out, stopped spending time with us.
In the middle of the last week, another friend taught me the word 'acquiescence'. I had never heard the term before, and I should have listened more carefully. If there is a God or something like that, it was talking to me through my friend.
In the end of the event, we decided with a smaller group of people to spend some time in Rome. X obviously didn't think so. He reserved a small room for us two with a small twin bed. I had thought we would maybe share a double room with our own spaces or a hostel room in a dorm. I hadn't been sure how to tell him that I'd like to have my own bed, because that would have been kind of awkward - my fault, again, - but he knew that we were not going to be a couple. Getting at the hotel, then, I felt very anxious and I didn't know what to do. I got out of the room. When he left me alone for a moment, I tried to call my partner and to one of my best friends to ask what to do. They didn't answer my calls. I missed my partner so bad.
Finally, we had the talk about me not responding to his feelings in the way he would have liked me to. He felt bad, but I couldn't help it anymore. I had bought a bus ticket for the same night in order to escape, and at that moment, he figured that out.
He was very upset. I left him to his (our?) hotel room, and took a moment for myself while walking towards a meeting point with others. I wanted to talk to them, since these were the last moments we would see each other for a long time.
X didn't hide his irritation when I was talking to another male person. I felt he now acted like my younger brother when he's not happy with something. I know good friends can be grumpy with each other, but I felt that our friendship was in a kind of crisis.
I did feel bad for him, but I also felt I couldn't take responsibility for his feelings towards me anymore.
Finally, the moment came when we were just two of us again, and we started walking towards the hotel. I tried to talk to him. He was pissed off with me, and he didn't hide his feelings. He was blaming me, but I had told him that what had happened was his fault in the sense that I had made no moves whatsoever. He was very surprised when I said that. However, now he was upset, because I didn't offer him the romantic movie-like last day in Rome.
He also told me his friend had stayed in the hotel in the small town so that X could spend some time with me. The same had happened already before. That is, the friend didn't stop hanging out with us because he would have found other people to spend time with but because they had made a plan together with X. This was also part of the reasons for why X was so upset; he had made this plan to leave his friend behind so that he could have a night with me, and now he had an empty hotel room and his friend wasn't there. He was alone in Rome, and that didn't suit his plans.
I didn't say a bad word to X. I just took my stuff, hugged him, and left. The faraway bus station was a scary place at 1 a.m., but that was better than sleeping with him in a shared bed.
Later, a friend of my partner got really upset about my story. She told me that this wasn't about me personally but revealed a more general gendered pattern. According to her, women are often expected to make men who desire them feel better, and since this happens so often, women continue to act according to that pattern. I felt angry at myself for not being able to tell X that I wasn't responsible for his feelings and not to feel so bad when he was disappointed in not finding the love he had hoped for.
I have to learn to say 'no' more clearly and to claim my space. I have to learn not to acquiesce and just hope for the best. Like a member of our ensemble said, if a person really is nice, they will understand the 'no' and still be friendly. I just haven't met very many of them, I guess. But as my partner told me, I will stop blaming myself.
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