What is happening?

I thought I was the one making decisions.


Still I find myself in situations that I would like to describe to someone, not because I would like to tell something about myself but because I want to share the news. I am surprised of how situations develop and unfold.


I find myself on a train to Vienna. I left from Venice. In between those two sentences I had to pause for a moment for remembering my point of departure.


It seems that even when it is me who makes the decisions for taking a direction of action, I still can not decide the situation that follows. I feel that I am flowing in the surface and diving from a space to another. I do not know where I am going, and I do not know what to expect.


- -


I survived from Rome. I did not decide to leave two days earlier, but I could not help the strong feeling of having to leave.


I did not decide to be treated in a certain way (good, I guess, but not for me), and I did not decide to miss my beloved one so much it hurts. I had forgotten that every corner in Rome reminds me of him. I truly love him, and I felt my ring burning in my hand. Our rings do belong together.


In the end of the night I found myself on a nightbus to Padova, escaping what was happening, and blaming myself for something that I was not accountable for (even if accountability is, in some sense, a reconstructed narrative).


- -


It did not happen to me as if I were merely a passive spectator, nor did I create the situation. This is, I feel, what that one philosopher, Heidegger, means by the "middle voice", the not-quite-active but not-quite-passive verb he found in Greek. In Swedish, it might be called the "s-passive", the form of "something does by someone" (Swedish was so close but obviously so far for M.H.). The life lives. This is my heideggeronyme.


- -


I do not feel bad but rather relieved. On the other hand, I do feel sad for not being able to spend more time with some very nice persons. I already miss them. But I could not stay.

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