Why did I even start this blog?
A good question. I've been thinking a lot about it.
After some time of pondering, the reason seems obvious. I had to find a way to handle all what happened within a small time frame in a small town in Italy last summer.
When you look at it, on the surface, there was nothing much. Some lectures from the keynotes, some seminar sessions, breakfasts, dinners, lunch brakes and napping in our rooms in between. However, between the lectures and seminar discussions there were many moments where you could get to know the other participants and find out that you are an outsider. For getting rid of the feeling of being excluded there were even more moments for doing things that would help. And that is what happened.
It was nothing much. Loneliness, anxiety, trying to forget, happiness for small things and irritation for all the meaninglessness regarding many factors in the event (I am still irritated about the whole concept: having a U.S. collegium in Italy just because Italy and Europe in general seem something romantic and exotic, without even inviting any Italian speakers and only one European of the 12 speakers, and then sepaking very "critically" about colonialism, racism and climate change). Some trips to the(!) waterfall (which I will miss forever), some parties, some compliments and some glasses of wine.
I did not know if I could really talk about all that was troubling me, so I tried a little. Luckily I had a wonderful roommate with whom we could speak of the feelings I had about the behaviour of some of the participants. Luckily there were some participants who wanted to be my friends so I could feel that there was someone who wanted to know how I was doing.
And this is where some things went wrong. One of the friends wanted something more, and I felt that I was somehow responsible for that. I started to flee the person while his attention also felt nice. I started to ask others to be with me so that he would not be there. I felt I needed an older sibling to protect me. I felt I was in a romatic relationship with a person I did not have romantic feelings for. I missed my partner.
Confusedness, anxiety, disgust and shame. This was what I felt in the end. I wanted to get to know those people, but I was too slow, or I was of a wrong nationality, or I wasn't the right kind of a person. I got angry and sad. Why was it that the only person who wanted to spend time with me alone was the person who did not understand when I told him there was no more room for a romance in me?
"I guess you weren't very popular" my step father told me, when I got back home and went to my parents' house. I guess he was right. It hurt when he said that out loud.
I would want to explain so much, even though there is nothing to explain, really. I would want to tell you all everything I felt back then and hear your thoughts in return.
There is nothing else to say right now. You have become my ghost of the past to whom I talk in my dreams.
After some time of pondering, the reason seems obvious. I had to find a way to handle all what happened within a small time frame in a small town in Italy last summer.
When you look at it, on the surface, there was nothing much. Some lectures from the keynotes, some seminar sessions, breakfasts, dinners, lunch brakes and napping in our rooms in between. However, between the lectures and seminar discussions there were many moments where you could get to know the other participants and find out that you are an outsider. For getting rid of the feeling of being excluded there were even more moments for doing things that would help. And that is what happened.
It was nothing much. Loneliness, anxiety, trying to forget, happiness for small things and irritation for all the meaninglessness regarding many factors in the event (I am still irritated about the whole concept: having a U.S. collegium in Italy just because Italy and Europe in general seem something romantic and exotic, without even inviting any Italian speakers and only one European of the 12 speakers, and then sepaking very "critically" about colonialism, racism and climate change). Some trips to the(!) waterfall (which I will miss forever), some parties, some compliments and some glasses of wine.
I did not know if I could really talk about all that was troubling me, so I tried a little. Luckily I had a wonderful roommate with whom we could speak of the feelings I had about the behaviour of some of the participants. Luckily there were some participants who wanted to be my friends so I could feel that there was someone who wanted to know how I was doing.
And this is where some things went wrong. One of the friends wanted something more, and I felt that I was somehow responsible for that. I started to flee the person while his attention also felt nice. I started to ask others to be with me so that he would not be there. I felt I needed an older sibling to protect me. I felt I was in a romatic relationship with a person I did not have romantic feelings for. I missed my partner.
Confusedness, anxiety, disgust and shame. This was what I felt in the end. I wanted to get to know those people, but I was too slow, or I was of a wrong nationality, or I wasn't the right kind of a person. I got angry and sad. Why was it that the only person who wanted to spend time with me alone was the person who did not understand when I told him there was no more room for a romance in me?
"I guess you weren't very popular" my step father told me, when I got back home and went to my parents' house. I guess he was right. It hurt when he said that out loud.
I would want to explain so much, even though there is nothing to explain, really. I would want to tell you all everything I felt back then and hear your thoughts in return.
There is nothing else to say right now. You have become my ghost of the past to whom I talk in my dreams.
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